It’s pleasant when you not only give but also receive in a relationship. However, sometimes this balance can become extreme and turn into strict reciprocity. This unhealthy approach can bring a lot of negativity and harm to relationships.
What is Strict Reciprocity
Relationships are built on trust and reciprocity, the mutual desire to do things for each other. But sometimes, this positive feeling can go astray and become problematic. For example, it can evolve into strict reciprocity, which turns romantic relationships into a “quid pro quo” arrangement. The principle is, “I’ll do this if you do that. And if you don’t meet my expectations, I’ll stop meeting yours.” While it may seem that this principle is based on honesty, which is good, we live in an imperfect world and have a wide range of emotions. Therefore, consistently adhering to such a “perfect scheme” is not always feasible, and this can lead to significant problems.
What’s Harmful About Strict Reciprocity?
Relationships based on strict reciprocity might work well when there are no strong or intense feelings involved. It fits well in professional partnerships but can poison romantic connections. Here are some issues that arise in relationships with strict reciprocity.
Manipulative Behavior and Resentment
One of the major issues with relationships based on strict reciprocity is manipulative behavior. For example, imagine your girlfriend wants to meet her friends, and you feel that if she goes out without you, you should also have a good time. Unfortunately, all your friends are busy, and you don’t want to stay home alone playing video games.In a healthy relationship, you would handle the situation like this: your girlfriend would go out with her friends, and you would try to find something to do on your own, showing that you support her enjoyment and are not obstructing her happiness. Yes, it might be a bit inconvenient and perhaps a little sad, but it’s an act of care and a desire to make the other person a bit happier.In a strict reciprocity relationship, it would play out differently. You might start pressuring your girlfriend, insisting that she shouldn’t go out because you can’t find anyone to hang out with. This could lead to manipulative behavior like, “Fine, you can go now, but I’ll go whenever I feel like it, regardless of your plans.” Such behavior shows no care or affection and can lead to a lot of resentment and potentially breakups.
Unrealistic Expectations
The principle of “you owe me, I owe you” often leads to unrealistic expectations. For example, you might surprise your girlfriend with an expensive gift for her birthday. However, she may not be able to reciprocate with a gift of equal value due to financial constraints. In a healthy relationship, this wouldn’t be an issue because the focus is on mutual understanding and the desire to make each other happy.But in a relationship based on strict reciprocity, you might feel disappointed if the gift she gives you turns out to be less valuable than you expected. Unrealistic expectations also extend to emotional support. For instance, if your girlfriend supported your previous decision and now expects you to support hers, but you don’t agree with her choice, it could lead to conflict. She may feel hurt because she anticipated you would reciprocate in the same way she supported you, given the principle of “mutual and equal.” This can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.
Lack of Empathy and High Demands
It’s often easier for us to remember the effort we put into something rather than recognizing the effort someone else invested in the same task. This leads to a skewed perception of others’ contributions, where we may believe we are doing much more and feeling more exhausted. For example, you might recall a day spent cleaning out the garage but forget that your girlfriend was busy planning the party menu and shopping for groceries at the same time.
When combined with strict reciprocity, this misjudgment of others’ efforts results in a lack of empathy and inflated demands. You might feel that your girlfriend isn’t contributing as much to the relationship as you are or isn’t doing enough. Instead of objectively assessing her contribution and considering any external factors that might be affecting her ability to contribute, you might become demanding and insist that she should do more.
Such behavior can be detrimental to relationships. Feeling undervalued and overburdened, while constantly facing demands for more, can be exhausting and lead to serious issues in the relationship. This lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations can erode trust and satisfaction, potentially leading to the end of the relationship.
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Disappointment and Burnout
It’s easy to experience burnout in a relationship governed by strict reciprocity and unrealistic expectations. Constantly adhering to a “you do this for me, and I’ll do that for you” approach can lead to exhaustion and a sense of loneliness, even when you’re with someone you care about. This often results in significant disappointment, resentment, and a feeling of inadequacy, as if you’re either a failure or unworthy of something better.
If you find that your relationship feels like a series of transactions rather than genuine connection, it’s time to make a change. Stop keeping score and start acting with genuine care. Focus on understanding and compromise rather than pressuring or manipulating your partner. Building relationships on mutual respect and authentic gestures, rather than strict exchanges, is key to avoiding burnout and finding true fulfillment.
