Disputes that can be frustrating happen in any relationship.
However, how you respond to them largely determines how misunderstandings are resolved. If you allow your feelings to take control, it can easily escalate the conflict into deep resentment that lingers in your heart for a long time. To prevent this from happening, it’s essential to learn how to maintain your composure during tough conversations. Here are some tips on how to do this.
Express Your Feelings to the Other Person
This can be challenging, but it’s important to be honest about what you’re feeling. If you notice feelings of anger or sadness arising, make sure to communicate this to the other person. It’s crucial for them to understand the emotions you’re experiencing so they can adjust their behavior to avoid escalating the situation. This will help prevent misunderstandings and ensure clearer and more concise communication. Moreover, by voicing your feelings, you create a foundation for taking control of them and managing them effectively. This is an important skill to master for successfully navigating difficult conversations and maintaining healthy relationships.
Recognize the Signs of Becoming Emotional
When emotions run high, we often fall into specific behavioral patterns: we may pick at our nails, pace around the room to relieve some nervousness, or notice that we’re breathing heavily, sweating, or flushing. If you are aware of the physical signs that indicate when you are becoming emotional, it will be easier for you to stay grounded and prevent your feelings from spiraling out of control.
Critique Behavior, Not Character
Suppose you have a conflict with a colleague and are trying to resolve it. A significant part of the issue might be that your partner is often late and lacks the level of responsibility needed for handling complex projects. As a result, you end up taking on most of the tasks, leading to burnout. During the difficult conversation, be cautious not to say anything that criticizes your colleague’s character. Instead, focus on specific behaviors that are problematic. You might say, “Last week, it took him three days after the deadline to submit the report to me.” Why is this important? When you generalize about a person’s character or personality as a whole, they perceive it as an attack and respond accordingly, which in turn can frustrate and anger you even more. Therefore, when you need to be critical, focus not on the person but on the behavior that you find unacceptable.
Clarify the Boundaries of the Conversation
We often become upset and angry during a difficult conversation because we feel disrespected. For example, when the other person talks too much, doesn’t allow us to interject, ignores our perspective, or resorts to personal attacks. This is understandably frustrating. However, simply walking away or responding in kind won’t lead to a compromise or resolution of the issue. If you want to feel calm while not allowing the other person to behave inappropriately, set clear boundaries. You can say something like, “Let’s discuss the issue without criticizing each other’s character,” or “I won’t continue this conversation if you keep yelling at me — that’s unacceptable.”
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Be Cautious with Eye Contact
Maintaining eye contact is essential for productive dialogue. However, when emotions run high, it’s important to be cautious. Sometimes, a glance can convey much more than words and send the wrong signal to the other person. It’s easy to look at someone with judgment or inadvertently show disdain. This is unlikely to help calm the emotions or lead to a peaceful and calm resolution of the difficult conversation. Maintain eye contact with the person you’re talking to during moments when you can control your feelings. Try to manage your facial expressions and avoid “staring down” the other person in an attempt to prove your point.
Take a Break if the Conversation Gets Out of Control
Imagine you’ve been engaged in a challenging dialogue for an hour and realize you’re about to lose your composure. The best way to navigate this tough situation is to suggest taking a break to cool down and reset. You can step out of the room to collect your thoughts and then return to continue the conversation from where you left off. Take a few deep breaths during your absence or distract yourself with something more pleasant to relax both your body and mind.
Focus on Listening and Responding, Not Reacting
If you expect the other person to listen to you and respond with understanding, you must demonstrate the same courtesy. Strive to truly hear the other person instead of merely thinking about your response while they express their thoughts. Show that you are engaged in the conversation through your body language: nodding and maintaining eye contact. Afterward, summarize what you’ve heard to show you understood what the person was trying to convey, and only then share your perspective. Focus on the conversation itself, rather than the emotions and reactions you wish to display. This approach helps avoid negative feelings and fosters a respectful tone in the difficult dialogue.
Change Your Perspective
Try to view the situation from the other person’s point of view to understand their emotions. Often, when we grasp how the other person sees the problem and what they’re feeling, we realize that we may not have been entirely right, and this realization helps us keep our emotions in check. So, before attacking the person you’re speaking with or letting your feelings loose, consider: will they feel embarrassed or disappointed? How hurtful will your words or actions be? Cultivate empathy to resist anger and irritation. And if you can’t understand what the other person is feeling, just ask them. This will help make the difficult conversation more relaxed, as it shows that you care about the emotional state of your counterpart.
